Let’s See What You’ve Learnt

Well, how annoying! I had to smile, because I think it was the universe yesterday giving me a gentle nudge and teasing me that life is never going to be perfect.

I should perhaps start by pointing out I sat in bed and cried tears of joy when I woke up. Two years on, the gift of feeling healthy, clear headed and free of shame is still as wondrous as it was early on. I can’t believe this is me. I can’t believe how the promises all came true and are continuing to come true.

Anyhoo.

I don’t know about you, fellow bloggers, but my soberversary felt like the kind of time when I wanted to write a Super Great Blog Post. Something to shout about the magic of a sober life, or perhaps top ten tips for getting sober – you know what I mean, right? The sort of post I may have looked at two-ish years ago in order to sustain the tiny bit of hope I’d found that sobriety might just be possible.

That brings me on to a sobriety perk straight away: morning coffee. Oh, I know, I’ve bleated on about it LOTS but I don’t care, it’s my favourite thing. When I drank I couldn’t drink coffee in the mornings because it worsened the hell I already found myself in, but when I got sober….. OH MY GAAAAAAAWD. It’s the best. And I’m fussy too – I have a “grind and brew” coffee maker. Freshly ground beans for Princess Anna and only put some something that hasn’t been properly brewed in front of me if you have a sincere death wish. I’m happy to make do with instant coffee or kinds made to a lower standard than via my own coffee maker during any other time of the day or at someone else’s place – no problem – but at home and in the morning this is What. I. Do.

So I was going to put the coffee on, then go start the Best Blog Post Ever whilst it was brewing and then fetch my first mug of the magical stuff.

The damn thing broke!

Jeez, how this riled me. What to do! I considered driving across London in the morning rush hour to find the exact same coffee maker. Anyway, it was a shitter – ridiculous, I know, but that’s just me. I like things My Way and don’t like deviation from My Plan. I was really, really irritated and riled by this. And of course because I’m so hung up on morning coffee and had had my morning ahead planned out in my head, the instant coffee I had to resort to tasted awful.

Miffed, but still determined, I then sat down to write the HAS-TO-BE-EPIC blog post.

…..and I realised that if I’d begun, I wouldn’t have been able to stop. There is so much to say – how could I possibly come up with something good? So I decided to do a video clip instead. To avoid rambling, I had a little list of bullet points. But of course one thing lead to another so even with speaking fast and trying not to go off on mad tangents, I waffled on for a good 20 minutes. And the thing just won’t load.

I smiled as I glanced out of the windows across the tree tops.

Well played, Universe. Well played. “Right, Soberella, feeling all victorious, are we? How about I break the damn coffee maker? Now let’s see what you’ve learnt, my little recovery student!” I swear this was what it was telling me.

There is no such thing as a perfect morning or a perfect anything. Having said that, it was a perfect day. You know, life is pretty low key a lot of the time, there aren’t often big, spectacular things going on, but what more could I possibly ask for when I have the life I’m so grateful for that I sit on my bed and cry tears of joy?

So if you, who is reading this, are reading this and you’re a little nervous of what is ahead – baby, it’ll get so, so good. You’ve got this and I’m so excited for you to discover what I have discovered too.

Right. Two years and one day now.

Today I’m not going to drink.

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One Year Sober

Ever since this day was starting to finally come into view, I’ve been looking forward to it so much because I couldn’t wait to get here. Yesterday – the last day of my first sober year – a million thoughts were going through my mind. Every so often amongst all the blogs I read, someone might write a post about a milestone and the insights and discoveries they’ve made along the way. Honestly, even MONTHS back I’d often think about what I might have to say myself, also wanting to have something really awesome to share that might help someone else in turn in the same way as it’s helped me so much to hear other people’s stories and thoughts.

Nope, this isn’t that sort of post. Sorry!

Yes, today is a hugely important day to me. It marks the anniversary of the most important decision I’ve ever made in my whole life. Without this decision, there wouldn’t BE a life. Now there is. And I am happy. Happier than I have ever been. No joke. And I wouldn’t have a drink if you paid me. Possibly only if it was to quite literally save someone from dying, but then it’d have to be someone I’d be willing to die for because drinking would kill me – that’s where drinking would lead. You get where I’m going with this though. I’m happy and sober is a fucking awesome place to be – there’s cake here! And a unicorn bag containing a card and presents from my Hubby aka the man with the perfect bottom (fiiiiiine, he’s witty and smart too).

Hubby is away with work and had recorded a little video greeting that I discovered waiting for me on WhatsApp this morning. Too cute. He’d got me a tank top that has “Sober AF” printed on it. ‘AF’ stands for Alcohol Free but I like to think of it as “Sober As Fuck” because I’m a bit immature.

Today is hugely important, but apart from cake for breakfast it was a day here and now in my life. And what dawned on me just a while ago when I was out for a run was that the HERE AND NOW is exactly where I want to be. Why? Because I found my stupid little brain thinking “oh, wouldn’t it be great if today’s run on this important day was super fast and super easy and super perfect“! My life and my attitude was always about all the things I will do if/when/if only/after/when I have/later and so on. Just like this anniversary, my sights were always on what might be just beyond the horizon. And that’s bullshit, actually. All I have is this moment, right here right now. And I love it here. I didn’t do lots today, in fact I did a bit less than I should have. I didn’t fly around the 6k loop like Mo Farah and my pace per kilometre was a bit crappier than my last run. And that’s what dawned on me: so fucking what. It’s here and it’s now and I feel fucking GREAT.

Oh, and I look a bit pretty because I went to the hairdressers so it’s one of those rare moments when my hair is all styled and bouncy into Hollywood-esque locks. Half the time I don’t even bother brushing it, so let’s enjoy that win for a moment as tomorrow it’s back to looking like the Lion King:

Perhaps that’s the lesson I did learn in this first year of being sober? To be happy and content right here right now. Do you know what? I’ll take it. It seems like the greatest jackpot in the world to me.

Today I’m not going to drink.