A bit obnoxious

Oh! Are there these prompt questions now when you open a blank draft page in WordPress? Where I’m sure it used to say “start writing your post here” or similar, there was now a question and it asked me “What would you change about yourself?”.

Alrighty then.

I don’t know. Nothing too drastic, I don’t think. I would change how I’m putting off getting myself into running again, maybe. Had an injury that manifested as a cramp in my calf but was actually an inflammation in my lower back, and my last run was in JANUARY. That’s nearly a year ago. Then, of course, we got Rangi and because he and I go for an hour long brisk walk most mornings, adding running has seemed (or I’ve written it off as such in my lazy mind) a bit surplus…

It seems a bit obnoxious not to create a long list of my flaws – and God knows I have them a’plenty – but if I were to change lots of things, even the things about myself that bother me or trip me up, then I’d end up with… …not me. And I like me, for all my flaws and shortcomings. I like my life and I like what and who is in it. I like how it’s going and what it is from day to day. So I guess I’m pretty content with staying put with the things that make me ME and how life is playing out. I mean, you can’t fool proof life, can you? Pain will always find us and so will hardship and curveballs. And now that I’m able to meet any challenge, why mess with the formula?

Hm, it still seems obnoxious, even with the disclaimer that highlights I’m not bumbling around thinking I’m perfect.

Fuck it.

Things are good. Things are just how I like them. I’m just Anna. And that’s OK with me.

This year we have ended up with the most perfect Christmas tree I’ve ever seen – it’s dense and perfectly shaped, like it’s been manicured by an elf stylist. Our first Christmas here in this house that I’m full on in love with now. There’s also the outdoor lighting, an icicle string of lights that wraps around the front of the house, and it sits just above the ground floor windows. I think it’s meant to go right under the roof, so part of me thinks it might look as though it’s slid down the house, but it’s bright and it’s pretty and …fuck it.

Work is going well, client case load swelled quickly and ticking along nicely, and I gotta say it’s so lovely to do something I genuinely feel passionate about for a living. I haven’t had that many jobs I’ve felt bleurgh about but never felt so content about what I do before. It’s rare to me. Rare to really care and feel really good about it, as in “what I did today MATTERS”.

I fkn hate reading blogs that bleat on about how good everything is, by the way. And usually when I do, I think whoever writes stuff like that is hiding crap behind a glossy veneer of positivity.

So – yep, anxiety continues to be my steadfast companion and low self worth, whilst not as prominent, is very much there too. But I catch those two more often and sometimes we even have what feels like a fruitful conversation about our relationship. We get on OK, I suppose. Maybe we’ve made peace. The sharp edges aren’t so sharp anymore.

Best get on. I signed up for a course that turned out a lot meatier than I thought when I – on impulse, as ever – decided oohhh this sounds good.

Hope everyone is doing good.

Things are good here.

Because I’m 1,777 days sober, and:

Today I’m not going to drink.