Bambino – good. Hubby – good. Doggy – good. Work – good. Friends – good.
Because I’m sober.
Actually, putting it like that might be a little misleading. I guess it could seem like sobriety is something I have to fight for, and these days – almost five years down the line – that’s not the case. However, my sobriety was hard won and any way you look at it, what my life looks like today is entirely because I am sober. It’s the reason I’m not six feet under. Plain and simple. So whilst I don’t struggle like I did in the beginning, I will never lose sight of what it took to get here. It took all I had.
It doesn’t come up so much anymore, which is natural I guess. Friends I’ve made since I stopped drinking have never known me to drink, so the people I see on an everyday basis just don’t know Drunk Me and the friends who do don’t miss her. The people who knew me then missed ME. The woman who is here now. The woman who came back.
Yes, my story has some dark twists and turns but it has a major fucking come-back!
As it happens, my husband asked me yesterday when we went for a drive, and I don’t know what prompted it: “do you ever struggle with not drinking now?“
It’s funny because only the other day I thought about it. It just popped into my head, not sure why. I conjured up the idea of a glass of wine and putting it to my lips and I’m not kidding, it made me feel queasy. The sour taste of wine, the taste you have to sort of train yourself to first tolerate, then not mind, then maybe even enjoy. I don’t think anyone enjoyed wine at the first taste, did they? Genuine question, by the way. Or whisky. Hubby likes both. And he genuinely likes both. And has no issue with either or any other type of alcohol. Weird creatures, those normies, but there we are.
So my answer was a firm and unflinching no, but I liked the question because I like to ponder these things, not least because there was a time when I couldn’t imagine not drinking.
Here’s where others in recovery might wag a finger at me in warning – don’t get cocky, girl. I’m not sure that I am, but I still want to point out that in no way, shape or form have I lost sight of what my addiction stole from me (and those who love me). And in no way, shape or form do I believe I could ever drink again. But here’s the point: I don’t want to.
I don’t have anything else to add here just now. I guess I just came in here to my little blog to ramble, like I usually do. Although over the past two or three years it’s been less often. But that sums it up I suppose – I started this blog as an outlet when I took on the fight of my life. Or, more accurately, the fight FOR my life.
Today I’m not fighting for my life.
Today I’m living.
Today I have a lovely life – not a perfect one, but a beautifully flawed and curveball-prone life with lots of love and curiosity and joy in it.
Today I’m a kickass mother.
Today I’m a kickass wife – I’m kind, mostly sweet, a little troubled and messed up, reliable and full of love but grumpy in the morning before I have coffee.
Today I get to do something I love for a living.
Today I am content.
Today I’m not going to drink.