Oh, look! I didn’t die again. Ain’t that nice?
There’s a first for everything and so it would now seem that my cherry has been popped when it comes to giving a presentation in an actual room with Actual People. And it was fine. I’d even go as far as saying it went well. Certainly good enough. Partnerella delivered her part and I delivered mine. Street sparkling clean on both sides and that felt good.
However. I will tell you this without a subscription fee or additional charge: I could not do the January I just had again. I think this was the first time I actually felt like I was breaking. If this had gone on longer, I have no doubt I would have plunged into some sort of depression. The last couple of weeks before the workshop I burst into tears upon waking up. Waking up from probably on average a couple of hours’ sleep per night. And my calf is still dodgy so I’m not running every morning like I usually do. So even without the anxiety of the workshop I was already on the back foot: no running and no sleep. Major dip into the emotional overdraft already. And for the first time I was ready to walk away. I would never have deserted Partnerella but I was pretty much ready to deliver the damn thing and then pack it in, because I have worked too hard to get me back to break me again. Not gonna happen.
So from hereon out it’s baby steps.
It wasn’t just the presentation – I just ended up in a perfect storm and I suppose my anxiety did what it usually does and zoned in on the place where it was safe to let it erupt. Feel pretty foolish about whining to my course mates about how much I hate having to be the centre of attention, but they were all good natured about it and I don’t have any energy left to stress about THAT too. FFS!
Well. Now I’m over the scariest hump to date on this counselling journey and maybe now July is just about coming into view. I’m sure there are some fishbowls and horrible experiential exercises to drag myself through – sorry, no reframing in the world will get me excited about any of that – but the end is there on the horizon now. And from there, we’ll see. Before anything else, I am going to take a full month off and escape to Falla. Morning coffee by the west wall, wander around in the woods and long runs along forest roads. Lazy days by Fryken and just enjoy the Swedish summer and the nights when the sun never sets.
But that’s July and this is February. Right now I’m in our new home that still doesn’t feel like home, but it IS a lovely, lovely house and I’m sure that’ll all come right too.
That’s me. Fuck off January, I’m glad to see the back of you. Next time you’re gonna play nice, you hear me? Hello February, relieved to see you and I hope I get something nice for my birthday – please can I have running back, please?
All will be well, because:
Today I’m not going to drink.