All These Fears

966 days sober. Living life on life’s terms right now, which, to be fair, has been my modus operandi since I got sober. Not always easy but that’s what I try to do. Starting the diploma course was an example where I actually had to coach myself a little to do so.

I knew very little of what it would be like. Uncertainty isn’t everyone’s friend and it’s definitely something that can rumble Yours Truly. There were whispers that the groups were huge and all I wanted to do was go in and try to find out as much as I possibly could beforehand: how many of us, who is everyone, what’s going to happen, etc, etc. Is it going to be just admin or will we have to do that introduction thing we had to do at level 2 and 3 that I find so terrifying?

So I reminded myself of this one simple thing: just go with it. Let it happen. Don’t try to control or steer it, just let life be life on life’s terms.

No questions were asked. I forced myself to just try to relax and remind myself that whatever comes my way I can handle.

Lo and behold. Group is indeed 20-strong. More than half are new faces (read: scary). But it was fine. No, really – it was fine. And I took it in my stride.

Something weird happened too. Yes, the introduction exercise did happen. You get paired up with someone you don’t already know, spend five minutes each telling the other person about yourself and then back in the big group you introduce each other. And so I introduced the person I was partnered up with. No palpitations. No overwhelming fear. No massively awful nerves. And no one was more surprised than I was to discover that I introduced my partner without it being that big of a deal. Both times previously my heart had almost beaten itself out of my chest as it approached my turn. And I thought quietly to myself THANK GOD, perhaps it’s finally beginning to happen – i.e. I’m starting to overcome this crippling fear of speaking up in front of other people.

I’m not saying all of this to brag, honestly I’m not. It might sound like it, but I say it with gratitude, wonder and in the hope that it might help someone else who is just like me. In a way, I feel like I’m saying it to Drunk Anna. The Anna who was held back not only by her addiction but all these fears and discomfort at life in general.

The promises come true. Recovery delivers. It may require that you face the things that terrify you, but the universe has your back and each time it’ll get a little easier. Not noticeably at first, but then one day you’ll discover that you’re doing something that you didn’t think you could do. I promise. It might not be easy, but it will be SO worth it.

YOU are worth it. Keep going.

Today I’m not going to drink.

14 thoughts on “All These Fears

  1. Hey! Well done you. I’m so pleased it’s going ok. I had that same realisation yesterday. Recovery does deliver. The true meaningful things it delivers take time though and it’s hard work getting there. It’s not just the giving up alcohol, it’s what you need to work through when you are sober so you come out the other side and can live your life on life’s terms. Sending hugs 🤗

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  2. Recovery is a one day at time daily reprieve. Working the steps to the best of our ability, and applying the principles in our day to day. We will begin to recognize our character defects, and actually know how to deal with them. Life on life’s terms, and keeping it simple go hand in hand. As well letting go, and letting God. You have willing to give it away in order to keep it. As well remember we can never forget where we came from. My sobriety date is 08/06/13, and there is nothing a drink will not make worse. I am happy you are seeing the promises being full filled in your life, they are so real. God has spun miracles around my life since working this program into my every day life. He is doing for me what I could not do for myself. My life is beautiful today. I would not trade it for anything especially in the time we are living in. Blessings for another 24!

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    1. Thank you and it’s great to hear that’s the path that has worked for you. Not quite been mine but having said that, the cornerstones of how we approach it all are probably very aligned and actually who cares if we go to AA or therapy or worship the sun or whatever else – that’s just semantics I support.

      And yes, here’s to yet one more day! ❤️

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  3. I’m so glad you shared how it feels for you to speak up in public. It helped me to realize that not only am I NOT the only one suffering but probably most of the others in the room feel the same way. And none of us are judging or critiquing one another because we’re too busy being scared to death in our own heads!
    Next time I have to introduce myself in public, I’m going to think of you and remember it takes practice to be comfortable with this, just like it takes practice to be sober.

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    1. You are so right in all you say! All I can say is if I can do it then so can you. That fear alone has crippled me and held me back and it’s daunting and tough and scary to face it, but it does (even if it seems slow and hard work) get easier, I promise. You’ve got this. I believe in you. ❤️

      Like

  4. Wow! 966 days. I’m so proud of you, for everything you’ve achieved. And you’re not a bragger. Anyone who thinks you are doesn’t really know you. I’ve missed you loads. X

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