891 Days

The end is in sight now for the Level 3 Counselling course, thank God. Progression for Level 4 isn’t automatic just based on passing, and just like back in February when we finished Level 2 and wanted to go on to Level 3, there is now lots of stress and anxiety over getting a place. Level 4 is a two-year Diploma after which you qualify as a Counsellor and can practice and during this level you take real clients on placement, so it’s the serious part of it. We were given a case study task and if we pass this, we’ll have a progression interview and then see from there if we get a place. I’m keen to do it and still feel this is the route I want to take and I can’t deny I’ll be super disappointed if I don’t get a place (actually, make that devastated – it’ll HURT!) but at the same time I feel quite at peace with whatever life will throw me. I am, after all, living this life on life’s terms and so I don’t feel it’s my task to control everything. Nice.

And what if I miss out? What if they say “hey Anna, thanks but no thanks, we don’t think you’re mentally resilient enough” – this is indeed one of the things they will base their decisions on. To be a counsellor, you need to be pretty robust and of course you can only take your clients where you’ve gone yourself, so if there are things you cannot cope with, what hope do you have to help others cope with their stuff? It’s out of my hands really. I know in my heart I’m strong and can withstand any storm. Sure, lots of things fucking terrify me, but there’s nothing that I’ll run away from. Even presentations and fishbowl exercises – I’ve done it all without fuss and gone for each one. I’ve not shied away from any of it or tried to find an easy way through. Not once have I tried to escape. Not anymore. I’m sober now, remember? So whatever will be, will be.

I sort of look at this with anticipation to find out what life has in store next for me. If I get a place, hey great! It turned out the way I thought it would. If I get a no, then it might be life nudging me to re-route and this could be one of two things: reflection and more work on myself, or all the above plus doing the recovery coach certification I’ve had my eye on but have been delaying whilst I work on the counselling stuff. And a no doesn’t mean it’s a no forever, it just means it’s a no right now, this time, and so as much as it may bruise my ego and knock my confidence, I have risen from worse than this! That’s how I see it. Not a loss or defeat – an opportunity. A nudge from the universe, whatever scenario I’ll be facing.

Do I truly believe all this? Or am I trying to sound more positive and calm about it than I actually am? Hm… Nope, I do feel this way. Genuinely. I’ve done all I can, faced everything and not backed down or hidden away.

The future is bright. And it will remain bright even if it doesn’t end up looking the way I want it to or expect at every turn for this simple, beautiful reason:

Today I’m not going to drink.

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