The Best Bit

819 days sober and the UK is still in lockdown. Victories today are my sobriety, managing to run in the mornings instead of the evenings and writing LOTS. The morning runs was a tip from The Sober Racoon Returns as my sleep has been a bit meh lately. For some reason I don’t seem to have the same energy in the morning, which has always irritated me massively because mornings are freaking MADE for running! But it’s been OK and so I hope this continues and will also see if it has any impact on my sleep. Nothing yet, as I seem to be lying awake for ages before drifting off to sleep, but I shall persevere. It does drive me nuts, because sleep was my first recovery reward and probably the thing I’ve loved the most alongside of course the magic of morning coffee. Maybe it’s just a patch. The world is upside down, after all, and perhaps that’s why my mind takes longer to slow down at bedtime.

Despite the strange times we are living in, life is good on Planet Anna. How could it not be – I’m sober! But even so. Sometimes the days drag a little, but I’m writing like a demon and for the first time it’s not like it used to me any time I approached my dream of writing a book and had to force myself – right now the words are flowing like an unstoppable torrent. Maybe I finally have a story I really want to tell? I revised my target because I’m churning it out at such speed. I initially aimed for 80,000 words as a bit of a goal, but I’m on 50,000 after just over two weeks so have adjusted it to 100,000. Once I get to that, there’ll be plenty to look back over and see what’s missing, what can be scrapped and whether what I have can be whipped into some sort of shape. Whatever happens beyond that isn’t important yet.

No, honestly – I mean it! And I think it’s because suddenly I’m writing like I’m living in recovery: in the moment!

I’m enjoying WRITING. I’m enjoying the journey. I love my little routine these days:

  1. Wake up and not have a hangover – HALLELUJAH! This never gets old!!
  2. Enjoy two or three mugs of glorious, glorious coffee. Heaven.
  3. Go for a run in the park. Bliss!
  4. Shower – AND STAND UP, NOT CROUCH! Fucking awesomeness on a grand scale!
  5. Write for two hours and love the process!

And that’s what I realised yesterday when I revised my target word count and started to wonder “what then?“. I actually felt a little sad at the thought, because it’s the writing of the story that I’m loving. It’s finding the right words and stringing them into sentences to show all the things I want to show, say all the things I’ve thought about, wondered about, mused about and the few answers I may have landed at. It’s the moment I am loving, not where it’ll necessarily lead. And that’s all I need. Tomorrow is still a mystery and I like it that way.

Sure, I’m writing because I hope that maybe one day I can do something with it – it’d be silly to pretend otherwise, but unlike before I’ve in recovery learnt to enjoy the journey as much as I look forward to the destination. Turns out it really is the best bit.

Before recovery, in the dark days of active addiction, life was all about tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll do this. Tomorrow I’ll stop. Tomorrow I’ll start [insert whatever failed project here]……..

Recovery is about this moment. It’s all I have. Now. The next right thing, right now.

Today I’m not going to drink.

13 thoughts on “The Best Bit

  1. Loving how positive you sound, I am vibing off your energy! 🙌🏻☀️ If you write a book I will definitely buy it. Love reading your blog 👌🏻 I totally believe that waking up sans hangover never gets old! I am only a couple of weeks in and it’s my favourite bit of the day – it used to be my worst! 😊😊 xxx

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  2. I’m so bloody jealous!! I wish I could write right now, but although I’ve got around a gazillion drafts (a gazillion and 2, actually) I cannot seem to get any of them to a point where I can hit the publish button. Bleurgh. Also, although I adore writing I do not have the same confidence in my writing abilities as I do for say….Spaghetti Bolognese making! Double bleurgh. (Don’t be surprised if you see this first paragraph copied and pasted as an introduction for any one of my gazillion and 2 blogs).

    Just like thesoberraccoon…(great name, btw) I love your positivity and your blog writing. I too will be buying your book (can’t wait).

    Personally, it took a long while before I congratulated myself for getting my own shit together and now that my shit-togetherness is sitting at about 97% I never really focus on what I’ll do tomorrow or the day after, because I just know that it’ll be ok, whatever I decide to do. It’s a good feeling and one I wish I could gift to everyone who struggles with anything.

    I adore you and you know I do. You are (although you may not realise it) for me like a touchstone – and without elaborating and in the hope that you ‘get it’ – I admire and am inspired by you. XXX’s and stuff

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  3. You go girl!!
    My running has taken a nose dive 😩. I’ve still been going out but having to walk some of the distance. I’m keeping at it though and I’ve made a big cut to my sugar intake over the past 3 days too. But like you, my sleeping in poor. Tonight I just can’t drop off. Frustrating 😬. So glad you are on fire 🔥 with the writing at last xx

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  4. i cannot imagine running again, although i had thoughts about it when i was racking up the hiking/walking miles of a few months ( over 65 in January!) but i used to love it.I just ordered my first set of blu tooth wireless ear buds so i am hoping this will add to my experience..the other kind was bothersome as it tangled so much. Very positive outlook, for sure! awesome!

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  5. Poor sleep seems to be affecting quite a lot of people including me, and must be related to this staying indoors so much, but love the way you are finding so much positivity and getting to write, write, write. I’d love to but struggle with the discipline of it. I must take a leaf out of your book and get started. Jim x

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    1. I think you’re right about the lockdown and how the world has changed being a reason why we’re a bit disrupted. As for writing, I don’t know what happened – I somehow discovered it’s the actual writing I enjoy so much and I’m honestly not really thinking of the end goal that was always to write a book. I’m past 60k words and the idea of “finishing” it actually makes me feel sad given it’s the writing I’m loving so much. But yes, write! Do a bullet point list of things you want to say, then attack them one by one – don’t know if that’d work but for me it’s been really useful. I don’t write it all in order either. Anyway, it’s just for the fun of it at the moment and who knows if it ever turns into something I can do something with! 😘

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