Hard To Keep Still

Fucking anxiety! Gosh, it really, really pisses me off.

I’m having a hugely productive day, by the way, and thinking about it, it might just be driven by anxiety. Perhaps it’s not an altogether bad thing, although that’s of course how we tend to think of it, isn’t it? Anxiety = BAD. I guess all emotions are there to tell us something, it’s just when they get out of whack it becomes a problem and last night my anxiety was definitely a problem.

Over these past two+ years of recovery, I’ve read tonnes of books about addiction and anything else recovery related I can get my hands on, but at the moment I’m enjoying a succession of standard novels. I read before going to sleep, both because I love reading and also because it slows my mind and gets me sleepy. So there I was, my eyelids increasingly heavy and I turned the light off and snuggled into Hubby’s back, my smaller body fitting perfectly into his larger one like a jigsaw peace. And it took literally all of two damn seconds to realise I was wide awake and would stay that way.

Normally when my mind races with anxiety and I end up like this, it’s self doubt and worry doing the rounds (like: oh my God, I need to do A, B and C and X, Y and Z will go wrong with it) and often mixed in with really random shit (like: I wonder why running is so much better in the evenings even though I prefer mornings and would love to do my runs then). I gave up. I did lie there for a while, trying to remind myself that 1) I’m on top of things, 2) I’m not the world’s most pathetic human being, and 3) things are absolutely fine generally, even under the current, strange circumstances of this Covid-19 world. It didn’t work, so I turned the light on again and read for another hour. By now I was of course aware of my anxiety keeping me under siege so my eyelids remained light and sleepiness elusive. Just after 1am I finally turned the light off and managed to drift off.

Fuck you, anxiety.

This morning I churned out 2,800 words, then spent three hours doing all the homework due for the counselling course. It’s due next week and the particular bit that I was lying awake thinking about is due ON THE MOTHERFUCKING TWENTY-SIXTH OF JUNE. Aren’t you grasping at straws here? I mean, give me something REAL to worry about if you’re going to barge in like that, you annoying fucking thing!

I suppose however annoying this was, I used it to get super organised and have been hard at work all day getting stuff done so now I feel all accomplished and virtuous, but it still pisses me off because sleep is my favourite thing. It was the first, amazing reward of recovery and the one I still hold dearest, honestly – solid, restful sleep that has me waking up refreshed, rested and full of energy. Don’t fucking mess with it, anxiety! I’m furious! But look, I’ve indulged you and been a very good girl getting everything done in the hope that, if you decide to pay me another visit tonight, I’ll have a lot more ammunition to pepper you with, you stupid bitch. GRR. For the time being, I’m going to write this off as an instance where you spurred me on to get stuff done and be a productive writing and studying wizard. You’re not all bad, I’ll therefore have to concede, but please don’t be such a shit again tonight.

Is that a good way to deal with anxiety? I don’t know if it’s ever possible to always conquer it, but if I let it spur me on to keep a good balance and just do stuff I’ve been leaving to the last minute or trying to avoid, surely that’s a good thing so long as it doesn’t turn into some mental cross-addiction where I suddenly find it hard to keep still?

Do you battle with anxiety? A lot or a little? What do you do? What helps?

Right now defiant and pleased and still a bit pissed off but feel like I won this duel. This time.

What remains today is a trip to the supermarket and a long, brisk walk in the park. The sun is out, we’re still in lockdown and generally I’m pretty happy. Hubby and Bambino both with me, so the world is complete even though I’d prefer it if the bonuses were here too, but at least we caught a glimpse of them via Skype last night. Goodness, I can’t WAIT to have them over when the world goes back to normal.

Today I’m not going to drink.


20 thoughts on “Hard To Keep Still

    1. Thankfully rare but it’s 100% a washing machine of random thoughts – some worry and negative stuff, but mostly just really random and unimportant things.


      1. An old timer a lady who I gave lifts to meetings in my early days before she sadly passed away once heard me sharing my worries about a reorganisation at work.
        On the way home she said “Call me tomorrow we can talk then”
        I did. She said “You’ve been worrying all night?”
        “yes of course”.
        “What’s changed? What can you do to change it now?”

        The answer to both was a big fat Nothing…

        Great lesson well taught

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Do I struggle with anxiety? Oh yeah…and depression and it’s a wonderful shit-show when they run together or in opposition. I found these not-so-wonderful things in the midst of my alcoholism. I never felt the anxiety before – the depression I have, but never the anxiety. I have noticed that physical activity helps both, but I have to force myself to do it. It’s a conscious effort to force myself to do it, but I am usually thankful when I do.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. thats exactly what happened with me halfway through my recovery..it was all new to me.. never in my life had i dealt with any anxiety/depression outside of what i did to myself with drinking…i thought i never would..but yet- there it was…that part eventually went away, but now with this pandemic i am feeling it in a whole NEW way…i have no answers.. i see everyone dealing with it differently right now.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Funny, isn’t it, how this appears over two years in… The first year of recovery I barely set foot outside my lovely Pink Cloud. Thankfully I’ve never suffered depression (well – beyond the booze induced low moods) and the anxiety I do end up with occasionally is I suppose fairly mild and not crippling my life in any way. I think it just gets to me and pisses me off because I half expect life to be just rainbows and ponies. Good reality check if nothing else, I guess. x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Aww fucking anxiety!!! I feel for you! My brain is rather like a washing machine at the moment, racing around and questioning everything … absolutely everything! This will all soon be over and then all will be well. What is the counselling course you’re doing?? You are brilliant ❤️❤️💕💕👍👍🌷

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a CPCAB (awarding body) certificate course, on level 3 of 4 but 4 will take two years with placements etc so all being well I qualify in July 2022! Loving it though! As usual I want to steam roll through everything at high speed so this is exceedingly good for me – one step at a time! 😀 Oh, and YES to the washing machine mind – that’s what’s mine is like when I get these little midnight bouts of anxiety. xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Honestly – I can’t. It’s nothing spectacular in the grand scheme of things, in fact you could argue it’s even a bit poor to only find your direction into your 40s, but for me it is spectacular! If that makes sense.. 😊 Thank you. Xxx

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello there 😊 I don’t know if any of these suggestions will help, as I know when my mind is racing at 100 miles an hour, getting to sleep just seems impossible… But anyway…. After 4pm I drink decaf tea, try not to exercise later in the day – it will put your cortisol up (stress hormone) Liquorice is great for reducing cortisol. I also make sure the room is slightly cold and I have found that listening to white noise really helps me nod off (when combined with the colder room temp). Lastly, I know this sounds bonkers, but try using reverse psychology on yourself. After you finish reading and you are feeling sleepy, try telling yourself over and over to try and stay awake rather than go to sleep. I read it somewhere once and I find it works!! (probably because I’m bloody awkward 🙄😁) Also don’t lie there worrying you are losing sleep and how many hours it is until you have to her up…Just relax and tell yourself that you are resting your body and that that is enough…. Wishing you better sleep 🛏😴🥱😁😁

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve never had anxiety…or at least not the same types of anxiety that my 3 kids suffer with – so painful to watch – but I’ve had clinical depression (as you know) and the occasional night/nights of insomnia. If I know insomnia’s hit I will NOT let the fucker win. I don’t lie worrying and I don’t toss and turn. I get up, I watch funny or murdery stuff on TV, prepare snacks (always eat cheese when it hits even though everyone and their brother would say DON’T EAT CHEESE). I look in the fridge A LOT during an insomniac episode but at least I’m not thinking or worrying about the shit that’s keeping me awake. But mostly I clear my brain of all that crap that it’ll NEVER be able to process at 3:56am because I know when and if I do manage to drop off, even for an hour, the solution will always come easier (light bulb) in the morning (7am onwards). I’m lucky though. I sleep ok, most of the time. Social media is a bitch at 4am. It will not aid sleep – but I’m not telling you anything you don’t know.

    Anxiety AND social thingy are both bitches and it’s their job to make things 1000 times worse. I know this from bitter experience.

    I wish I could punch anxiety and depression on their smug faces…but mostly, I wish I had the answers or genuine advice about how to beat it all.

    You are doing the best you can. Don’t ever doubt yourself. You make me SMILE! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is how I handle my anxiety. You know the phrase, “Does this need to be said? Does this need to be said by me? Does this need to be said by me now?” I use it when I get that “washer machine brain syndrome”. Do I need to do this? Does it need to be done by me? Does it need to be done by me NOW? At least in my case, this always applies to me because the alcoholic in me wants to do everything for everyone right NOW! Hope that helps.


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