Wriggle Into It

Day 5 of lockdown and we haven’t killed each other yet! Not bad, eh!

It’s a stressful time for everyone but we are luckier than most. For now. Hubby has his job and whilst not immune to Covid-19 or emergency salary cuts, we at least know for the time being that there is still a way forward. Not how we envisaged things a few months ago, but it is there. We all have to adjust and although it’s in some ways worrying and uncomfortable, I think we just have to keep sight of what’s important here. Do I really need this thing or that? Lockdown means we’re saving over £200 per month in sushi alone and that’s when we – during our re-budgeting exercise of stripping everything back to the bone – looked at each other and had to laugh. We have our home, we can eat and we can be without clothes and eating out. We are not yet in a position where we have to choose bananas over apples or forego the nice food in favour of budget brands. It seems so obnoxious when I type it out and that’s because it is. Our scaled back budget is still more than many have. We have to restructure and it’s not without headache and worry, but there will be a way.

Tempted to drink? I can honestly say it’s never been further from my mind and I genuinely feel queasy imagining a glass of wine, but then worry and stress were never my triggers anyway, so this sort of thing means I’m probably even safer than I usually am. Good times and excitement is much more likely to wake the Beast, so it’s still sitting pretty in its cage and 795 days into recovery I still don’t take my eyes off it.

Imagine if I let it out now…. Imagine the stress. I mean, before even thinking about how it’d destroy me physically and mentally and hurt the poor sods who love me, it’d mean an expense of £1,000+ per month. Yep, that’s how much Sauvignon Blanc I used to single handedly furiously gulp my way through. And then, well, its effect on Yours Truly and those around me. Each day not only a living hell to get through but also possibly my last. I know, I know, it sounds so dramatic, but binge drinking up to three bottles of wine per day is THAT dangerous and I’m lucky that I didn’t die doing just that. Very, VERY lucky.

As it is, lockdown is pretty shit in lots of ways but even during a pandemic and uncertainty both for our and other people’s well being (and indeed lives) as well as the very real possibility that many of us could lose all we have (jobs, homes, etc), my life right in this moment is still lightyears better than my life was drinking. I don’t say that lightly.

Hubby and I get irritable as I’m sure lots of people do cooped up at home, but he’s still the person who annoys me the least in the whole world. It’d be so nice to just get out for a drive or head down to the coast or whatever. But this is OK too. We’re allowed to get out once a day for exercise and given I went for a run yesterday, we’ll walk around the park today. We’re right next to London’s second largest park and walking around it is 10 kilometres. It’s full of fallow deer, originally implanted there by Henry VIII for hunting. It’s a beautiful place and I’m so grateful it’s right on our doorstep.

So that’s what’s making me smile right now. I’m sober and even during a pandemic my life is better than it ever was when I drank. Not that I have ever failed to recognise how this is the best decision I ever made, but I hope I’ll always continue to remind myself of this.

In other news, we have joined Weight Watchers. Although they’re now calling themselves simply ‘WW’. Hubby decided he needs to lose five kilos (he doesn’t – he’s perfect just as he is) and I decided to join him. I put on quite a bit of weight when I stopped drinking, which is annoying because every other person seems to get thinner, not pile it on. I’m not unhappy with how I look – sure, I could be slimmer but it hasn’t bothered me. I run lots and have sort of seen that as a hall pass to eat what I want. It would seem I suffer from reversed body dysmorphia – in my head I’m super slim and fit and so any time I see a photo of myself I am shocked to see I’m neither. When I buy clothes I can’t be bothered to try them on in the shop so just grab whatever item of clothing I believe is my size only to later put it on (or desperately try to wiggle into it) at home and gasp in horror when I discover the damn thing will not contain me.

Same story with my weight. I have no idea what I weigh. I don’t know when I last weighed myself but I think it was when I stopped drinking so over two years ago. I think I weighed around the 70 kilo mark. Then of course I piled the weight on because I developed a sweet tooth in absence of all the sugar I usually would have got via the ocean of vino I consumed. But once I got back into exercise I thought things had levelled out and so I kind of assumed I was around that weight now. So we signed up for the WW app and of course you get asked to add your start weight and that means facing the scales. So I did.

74 MOTHERFUCKING KILOS. SEVENTY FOUR!!!!! I don’t know I weighed much more than that when I was fucking pregnant and so now the universe fucking OWES me a baby. (This time I’ll take one that is a tantrum throwing toddler because I realise I had it easy with Bambino but can we have some easy teenage years for Bairn #2, please?) BUT 74 KILOS?! Are you fucking kidding me? I stood there staring in disbelief for a good minute.  How did I not know I was this fat? The scales is the work of Satan, I knew it – had I not done that, I would still be slim and fit (at least in my head) and now instead I’m an old crone who’s let herself go. I did NOT sign up for that.

No wonder running is hard work.

So I’m definitely fat and I definitely need to perhaps not diet, but certainly rethink my truck driver style eating habits. They have a point system, which admittedly isn’t anywhere near as complicated as I initially thought, and whilst it irritates me that I can’t put lots of cinnamon buns into my face with wild abandon, it’s been a week and I can actually handle it! We started it last Sunday so tomorrow is our first weigh-in. I kinda hope I’ve lost all nine kilos I want and have it over with, but suspect The Right Way is how recovery works too – steady work with longterm gains. No fast but fickle results. Only shitter is we’d been to the Swedish shop the day before and the bowl is sitting there filled to the brim with Swedish sweets – it’s the only thing I ever stockpile and I want to put it all in my gob so badly I want to weep. They are the best sweets in the world. They are made by angels. All week it’s been sitting there. Well, I’m fucking stubborn when I want to be so I’ve not caved and besides, I don’t believe in hiding from the things you’re cutting out. Just like I know that if I can’t sit next to someone drinking wine, I’d be buggered. Just me personally. We’re all different.

So anyway. Drinking is worse than any pandemic, just in case anyone needed reminding. Recovery rocks and the best things in life are worth fighting for even when the going is tough and slow.

Today I’m not going to drink. Or eat sweets.

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21 thoughts on “Wriggle Into It

  1. God you’re soooo good! You have more self discipline in your little finger than I have in my entire body! You’re going to absolutely nail this WW thing … I have to confess that we don’t actually own any scales, I think for me it would be like having those mega magnifying mirrors which are an absolute nightmare … I just become obsessed with them and looking for every single flaw and blemish twenty times a day (although I’d hardly need a X10 mirror for that 😂😂)! Anyway, glad you’re coping well and sending you much love. I’m about to start googling Swedish food stores near me as I want some more of your sugar!! Stay safe xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Bless you. Pärlsocker if you can order online (literally: pearl sugar). Oh, and you have no flaws. You’re a glorious bundle of beauty and quirkiness! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Good for you on everything. WW has a group called Dry WW and there are some great people posting. I learned about your blog there. Anyway, thanks for your writing and being so “real”. Stay well!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good for you. I did WW a loooong time ago and it worked well for me! You aren’t the only one to gain weight after stopping the booze. In 5 months I have gained over a stone!!! I replaced alcohol with any type of sugar! Well with any type of food really. I do drink AF wine too so that’s prob no good. I have run though!!! So get writing. 4 miles today. You owe me 1,400 words (I’m thinking 200 words per mile I run??)

    My favourite quote of the week btw….
    “He’s still the person who annoys me least in the whole world”. Brilliantly put 😁 xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I have not written anything yet since our deal. Shameful. Why can I not get myself to start?? Keep the tally, awesome running girl – four miles is amazing, how can you already run that far if you were just getting into it???? Are you just one of those jammy people who are just BOOM there? Good for you! 1,400 words into the overdraft… I think I initially offered 300 words per mile so I think I owe you 3+4×300…. 2,100. 😬❤️

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      1. Hey. I reduced it to 200 per mile to take the pressure off you and keep it doable 😂
        I’ve run for years, plus regular aerobics classes. I just stopped over the past few months and struggled to get into a routine with it. It kills me to go out and start again and I am walking a little of it too! Is that cheating? I used to head out for 5/6 miles with not much problem but I’m way off that at the moment!!

        I’ll keep a tally. Let’s do 200 words per mile. Then it won’t seem like such a big task for you! 1,400 words so far! Good luck xx

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Well I walked 2 1/2 miles and ran 2 1/2 today. Was a real struggle actually. What does that add to your tally? 500 more words? Can’t count walking really 😂😘
        Keep going. A bit is better than nothing x

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Hahaha. This really made me laugh. Thank you. Those sweets look fucking amazing. I can see why it would be SO HARD!!! And this happened to me, too, years ago. One day, I noticed I really couldn’t wear most of my clothes anymore, and I realized I had gained 25 pounds without even noticing. Eeeck! Better than thinking you’re fat when you’re skinny, though!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I thought I was the only one who had reverse body dysmorphia! So true about the photos and clothing sizes. WW is very tolerable when you doing drink all your points! 😉 You’ll do great. 💕👍🏻

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, Hubby discovered a glass of wine wipes out a LOT of points! He’s a normal drinker so manages to balance whereas this would NEVER have worked for me when I drank.. Fingers crossed! Thanks for the encouragement. 👍❤️

      Liked by 1 person

    1. We had cake for dessert last night – you get a bunch of weekly buffer points that we had not got into so used as a treat and will do every Saturday – we are very active so hopefully it’ll still be balanced out. Moderation! 👍👍👍👍👍

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  6. Oh Anna you crack me up. I can so relate with you truck driver eating habits! I don’t know how the hell you made it a week from not scarfing down those sweets, but more power to you my friend. I too was one who gained weight after dropping alcohol and sweets definitely became my nemesis. I’m sure WW will help you reach your weight goals. Big hugs to you and your family🤗.

    * as I read posts from everyone during these times and how they are getting along it helps me – thank you

    Liked by 1 person

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