Without a Filter

Well, that’s one stage done – level 2 of the counselling course finished and unless my portfolio comes back as a fail, that first step is now out of the way. I also had an interview for an administrator role for an organisation I would really love to be a part of, with a view to also do my counselling placement there. It’s always hard to know how it went, I find, but strangely I seem to get offered the job following what I’ve perceived as terrible interviews and when I think I’ve done really well it doesn’t seem to go that way. Yesterday I gave what I thought was a kickass interview so if this pattern is anything to go by I won’t be offered the job. We shall see.

The counselling course has been a challenge for many reasons – on the one hand it’s felt so natural and so right, only reinforcing how this is my calling, but on the other it’s pushed me so far out of my comfort zone it’s unreal. Not only has it meant finding my place within a group of people, but it’s also a group of women. I genuinely adore every single one of them but it’s really highlighted to me how I find some things really bewildering. Little tensions, little looks, little sub-groups within the group. There is nothing wrong with this, it’s just the natural dynamics of a group of people I’m sure, but it’s tricky for me to navigate.

Born as I was without a filter and with eyesight that tends to only see black and white, the nuances and layers are sometimes confusing. I lay bare how I feel without censorship and I just don’t know how to pretend to feel something I don’t. You might think me weird as fuck, but I can assure you that you’ll always know where I stand. I can’t simultaneously feel spiky towards someone and kiss their arse, but I’ve witnessed time and time again how this seems to be the case. This is probably the sort of social construct people learn and get used to through life, but for this chick who’s run away from others all her life it’s a learning curve. I’m not saying I’m better or worse than anyone else, I just find it hard to understand, that’s all. It gets me paranoid! Is it the case for me too, that someone who acts like I’m their best friend in the world to my face could make fun of me and make cutting remarks about me behind my back? How does one fit with the other? It makes me quite uneasy but I accept this all probably comes with any group of people. I just need to learn to find my feet and my footing in that setting and I’m sure I’ll learn so much from it.

7th February, 745 days sober and six days away from my 44th birthday. Jeez, 44 seems so grown-up and whilst I’m the happiest I’ve ever been, I can’t quite reconcile myself with what I perceive a 44-yearold to be. I’m not mature enough, not this/that/the other enough. I don’t mean this negatively, it’s just another confusing concept in amongst so many others. The story of my life perhaps – I can connect to feelings but so not so easily to circumstance.

Well. My sleep has returned to blissful, solid nine-hour blocks and the sun is shining here in west London. I feel peaceful and content.

No prizes for guessing what the best part is:

Today I’m not going to drink.

19 thoughts on “Without a Filter

  1. I prefer the company of men. I find groups of women bewildering and a little fake at times. I’m an open book and it isn’t always that helpful! However my job puts me in a female environment and I have learnt the skills to manage. I have really close female friends and colleagues but I’m happier not in a group with them. I only realised this since I gave up drinking.

    Personally I prefer ‘no filter’. Enjoy being 44!! I’m 48 in May and I feel like a petulant teenager most of the time 😉
    Claire x

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I think you’re as real as fuck and that’s refreshing!! Best of luck in the “cat dens” don’t envy you there. I think that’s why some women have many male friends. I got a birthday coming up tomorrow at number 54, so 44 is still younggggg🤗. All I can say is I know in the last year both of us got much wiser! Good luck on the interview.

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  3. I find a group of men almost every time (eh, ok unless extremely macho, right-wing, sexist, drunk 😉 pricks) easier to navigate than groups of women. But then, in general I guess I am more a one-to-one kind of person. Ans joining the age celebrations: I just turned 44 in December and 106 days alcohol-free as of today 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. See, I reckon 44 is where it’s at! 👌 Yes, that’s probably the case for me too come to think of it, perhaps more than it being about male vs female – I’m definitely a one-to-one person too. 😘❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Congratulations on completing Level 2 of your course, best of luck on your job prospect and Happy Early Birthday! I’m 44 and I don’t feel like it either. That’s a good thing, though. Xx

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Just keep being you because that is the best version of yourself. We have to learn how to interact with others who’s behavior makes us uncomfortable and some times cringe at different times in our lives. I just pick the battles of when I’m going to speak up and other times when I keep my wisdom and feelings for those that deserve to hear them ❤

    Good luck with the interview and congratulations on finishing level 2 I knew you could do it. One pass coming up I have absolutely no doubt.

    Fourtyfour haha your still young guess what I'm pretty sure everyone is faking being an adult lol. xox

    Liked by 2 people

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