Hard As Fuck, But Entirely Possible

Being in recovery rocks for countless reasons, but as we’re heading into the very last of 2019 I discovered another little perk of being clean and sober: I don’t really have any of those health related new year’s resolutions to make that were the bane of my life before. I no longer smoke and I gave up vaping about three months ago. I obviously don’t drink. FUCK ME! That makes me healthier than the vast majority of the population. Oh my God, that just made me laugh out loud! That’s just too funny – ME, of all people. Fine, I still, and probably always will, eat like a truck driver but even so I’m healthier these days than most. I go running every other day on average, today being an exception in that I’ve just been for a 6k run even though Hubby and I went for quite a long run yesterday.

Is this even me that I’m talking about?? If the way I eat wasn’t part of that last paragraph I wouldn’t recognise this woman at ALL.

So yes, this is definitely a recovery reward, heading into a new year and new decade not with a tonne of changes I should be making but already in pretty good shape!

No, life isn’t perfect and I’m still Anna with her yo-yo moods and emotional turbulence, but despite the odd bump in the road and hailstorm in my mind, I’d say I’m on balance living what I might just dare call my best life…. …..yet.

See! You can have ‘yets’ in recovery too, just BETTER ones!

When I was drinking, there were just a bunch of really scary yets: I haven’t lost my job because of my addiction – YET (couldn’t have been far off!). My husband hasn’t left because of my drinking – YET. I’ve not become homeless because I bought wine instead of paying the mortgage – YET. I’ve not suffered liver failure or developed cancer because of drinking – YET. Drinking hasn’t killed me – YET.

Now that I’m sober, I don’t have to worry about the same yets. Sure, I’ll die one day but if I stay sober it probably won’t be because of drinking – I say ‘probably’ because I drank for a long time and I’d be lucky if I escape without receiving an invoice later on. And of course all sorts of shittery could befall me, but all of that is made a lot more unlikely now that I’m sober. I.e. when I’m not actively behaving in a way that really does attract all those drinking yets. The yets I have in recovery go something like this: I haven’t run a marathon – YET (although I’m not sure I want to, but you get what I mean – stuff like that isn’t AT ALL out of reach anymore. I could quite literally sign up for one right now and know I could put in the work to do it. It’d be hard as fuck, but entirely possible BECAUSE WHY NOT!). I haven’t written that first book – YET. We haven’t done our US deep south roadtrip – YET. I haven’t woken up with a clear head and healthy body tomorrow – YET (but I am pretty damn sure I’ll wake up exactly that way – AGAIN!). Look at just that small selection of lovely, cutie-wutie, wonderful yets I have all around me now!

So here’s to 2019 – you were my first year entirely free from the evil clutches of alcohol (I made the decision to stop 23rd January 2018) and for that I love you that little bit extra much. Completely alcohol free, you were! You sexy little minx, 2019! Mwah! And here’s to 2020 and beyond! Long may my recovery continue – by far and bar none the best thing to ever happen to me.

Today I’m not going to drink.

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5 thoughts on “Hard As Fuck, But Entirely Possible

  1. Thanks so much for your blog Anna. I’ve been working towards my sobriety these past years. Getting better and stronger with every alcohol free period. Having started another one 2 months ago it’s for the first time I realize it will not be a pause period this time with an end date to work towards to but a new phase altogether. Only because I just really don’t want to drink anymore. Your blog has helped me tremendously to find these last pieces for my own puzzle. Waking up this morning I’ve just been feeling excited to continue my non drinking and start a new year clearheaded and fresh for the first time in years.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. That’s amazing! It clicks when it clicks but I can sense the hope and motivation (and a lot of joy!) in your words. It’s absolutely possible for all of us and I was definitely (to my own mind, at least) so hopeless, yet I broke free in the end. It took countless attempts and false starts, I slipped hundreds of times and felt like it’d never happen yet here we are. I’m so glad you’re here – welcome to the tribe!! Big hugs and lean on me (and others in the same boat) whenever you need to. Sometimes it helps just say out loud – or in writing – “hey, I’m struggling today”. Here’s to an amazing 2020! Anna xx

      Liked by 1 person

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