My Part of the Deal

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change – now, this is what I’m busy trying to figure out in terms of Bully-Face. The courage to change the things I can – do I remain in Bully-Face’s path for the sake of working towards a goal or do I remove myself from the situation? The wisdom to understand the difference – I think in this situation I’m clear on what this means: I can’t change the behaviour of other people but I can choose whether I subject myself to it.

So I have tried to formulate the brand new Anna’s Plan. Question one, which determines the answers to the others, is whether Bully-Face is to be considered an unavoidable evil on a particular part of my journey or totally intolerable, insufferable and unacceptable. The answer changes on a daily basis, largely determined by Bully-Face’s mood. As soon as I had finished Friday’s blog post, I got cut down to size again and spent the last few hours of the day fighting to hold back the tears. Collapsed in Hubby’s arms as soon as I saw him and once again I have spent the weekend dreading Monday. This pisses me off because I love Mondays and I love where I’m headed. It’s not right, but is it worth it? Can I steel myself knowing this is just for a while and not forever? Will these shitty Fridays and dreaded Mondays all be worthwhile and something I’ll one day look back on and be grateful I persevered and suffered through because where it’ll hopefully take me?

See, this is where I get really selfish. I didn’t fucking turn my life around to feel shit because of another person’s fragile ego and unpredictable temperament. I wasted too much time destroying myself and I’ll be damned if I allow someone else to do so now that I have my life back. I’m fiercely protective of my life and well being these days.

Friday, when I actually felt as happy and positive as I usually do, I got shot down in a spectacular manner. I’m not being dramatic or engaging in self pity when I say it was downright cruel. Part of me can’t believe it’s intentional, I prefer to think I’m just not important enough in Bully-Face’s estimation for them to even consider how I might feel. No, I don’t think it was on purpose but it was fucking thoughtless and bloody stupid, that’s for sure.

Here’s what I can do: I can remove myself from the equation and I can make sure I don’t treat other people in that manner. I can focus on being honest and kind, deliver on my promises and honour my commitments. How other people choose to conduct themselves is none of my business and I refuse to go on feeling this way. I’ve not deserved it and I’m not prepared to keep putting up with it. As much as it stings and as much as this has all really upset and saddened me, this is where it ends. I will hold up my part of the deal and then we’re quits. Thank you and so long.

This means a bunch of sub-questions now that I’ve concluded that the answer to the first one is a resounding NO. Nothing will be worth being treated like that and if this particular part of the journey means I have to accept being bullied then I’m going to have to find a different route, even if it’s a bit of a detour. End of story. It’s just not good enough. Good – now for the follow-on pickles I need to figure out as a result. A bit of a ball ache really, but I’m sober and I’m in a good place and I can ride this storm out too. Hell, if this is the worst coming my way in the year of the Lord 2019 I’ve had a pretty smooth flight! A wonderful benefit of recovery – I can deal with shitty stuff and it doesn’t break me.

In many ways it’s a good thing, I guess this wasn’t God’s plan for me in this instance and so I’m getting my map and compass out to see which way to go. It’ll come good. Besides, I love and value myself too much to allow this. If a friend told me they were in this position I’d immediately reassure them it’s not OK and to get out of it pronto. It’s not the easiest thing in the world to accept yourself as deserving of the same but I’m working on it. If I knew in my heart I’d somehow caused this situation or deserved it somehow, perhaps it’d be an easier pill to swallow but that’s just not the case. This isn’t about me and just like I wouldn’t expect a friend (or ANYONE!) to accept that kind of treatment, I won’t accept it for myself either.

Any way I go, in honouring commitments and holding up my part of the deal, there may be one more weekend filled with anxiety at the idea of another Monday but after that… …no more.

I’ll figure it out, and the best part of it all is that:

Today I’m not going to drink.

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