I Will Just Say This

There really isn’t that much on my mind but wanted to pop in here and give Storm a bit of TLC. Or perhaps it’s that there is SO MUCH on my mind that I just don’t know where to start? That sounds more like it, to be honest. It’s like having too much to do, peeking into my head at the moment. Or when your house is a tip (like mine is right now with kitchen renovations in full swing) and you just stare at the mess not knowing where to start. Yeah, that’s Anna’s little mind right now.

Much to sort through and process, but thankfully all positive. Not right now though. I’m just too tired.

So I will just say this. It’s Friday night and I’m home alone. There’s no one to see and there’s nowhere I have to be in the morning. If that’s not a PERFECT time to drink myself to bits I don’t know what is! But there is no part of me that wants to do that. The thought or urge was never there and even now – spurred on to think about recovery and drinking just by writing on my recovery blog – talking about it doesn’t even create a tiny little smidge of wanting to. I’m trying to visualise a favourite drinking scenario but even imagining a glass of wine doesn’t turn me on like it used to. Nope! Not a twitch. And that’s a victory. I’m watching a US documentary series called Dopesick Nation, and already looking forward to my morning run when I wake up tomorrow.

Now that’s fucking awesome. To think this old drunk would EVER feel this way. Perhaps it’ll all change and perhaps it’ll all fall apart – never, ever will I get cocky about this – but right now I’m feeling really solid in my sobriety and that’s the best feeling in the world. I’m at my most vulnerable and I feel strong. Who knows what tomorrow brings but right in this moment things are pretty lush here on the Pink Cloud, and let’s face it, this moment is all I have and all that matters right now.

Today I’m not going to drink.

7 thoughts on “I Will Just Say This

  1. There are still occasions where I want the treat of a great glass of wine. I’ve been working a bunch of wine-focused work events lately (one tonight actually) & I kick myself for screwing up so badly that I can’t enjoy a glass of wine or a flavorful beer (which would also help take off the edge). When I was a senior in college, one of my profs waxed philosophical about how many of us were ruining our lives by creating unhealthy relationships with alcohol that we would later regret. At the time I thought he was being a scold, now I suspect he was speaking from experience and was simply trying to warn us.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. my sober date 7 jan 2017,so only 2 years 8 months. I on occasion get a fleeting craving to have a nice cold beer. that was my drink of choice for many years. these cravings come from outta the blue. sometimes several in a day. not sure why they come but instead of dreading them I view them as a challenge to keep me on my toes, to keep fresh in my mind this issue will always have to be acknowledged and dealt with. If I were to not be reminded with these challenges I might drop my guard and have that “just one beer ” I in NO WAY will let that happen. These cravings are not to be confused with temptations. I would define that as a serious struggle lasting days or perhaps longer, such as when I first quit drinking,every night was a temptation. Just as you mention perhaps this will change and all fall apart. That can happen, it has to many people in long term recovery. I read and re read the stories in A A Big Book of such accounts. Im also very solid in my sobriety and will not waiver. Thanks for your blog and sharing your thoughts.

    Ray
    Annapolis Md U.S.A

    Liked by 2 people

  3. “I’m at my most vulnerable and I feel strong.”

    I smiled at this bit (actually, what you have to say generally has me smiling) because I identify with it, I recognise it especially at this moment. I’m finding it hard to put fingers to keyboard right now…the story’s there, I just can’t get it out, but you’ve written what I’m thinking too. 💕

    Like

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