Cuddly and Cute

It took me a while to figure out why that yucky feeling of unease had settled like a heavy stone in my chest. 519 days into recovery I still have to work hard at sitting with my emotions when they begin to overwhelm me. Having said that, I suspect I’ll still have to work at it when I’m at 5,190 days but that’s cool with me – progress, not perfection. So there it was, that yucky feeling, but instead of numbing it with drink I did what I do these days when I feel a little off – I faced it, felt it and tried to understand it.

I talk openly about my addiction and my journey through recovery. In fact, I’m – as strange as it may sound – proud of it, ALL of it. Perhaps not proud of all the years I drank but I’m proud that I’m one of those lucky ones who found the strength and courage to stare the Beast down and force it back into a cage, albeit one without a lock and one that depends entirely on me never losing sight of it. Point is though, that I feel so strongly about talking openly about it because it’s hearing others tell their stories that helps me so much. I guess I’m trying to find ways to pay it forward, this amazing gift of sobriety.

So anyway. I rummaged through my toolkit and decided to take a long walk. I wasn’t at all in the mood, quite tired and I had a million other things to do, but I pulled on my trainers and went. Down by the fountain at the other end of the park, it dawned on me where that yucky feeling had come from. Earlier today I updated the settings on this blog, changed the layout and tidied up a bit. Then I checked LinkedIn to see what other recovery professionals I could possibly stalk and connect with and got a little prompt saying I’ve not yet added a website. Cool bananas. I added Storm and that was that. No biggie – the whole world knows I’m a recovering alcoholic and I bloody REFUSE to hide that fact in a church basement. Here I am, the big, fat alkie – boo! Bite me.

But that’s what it was. The shame I used to feel must be so deeply engrained in me that perhaps some subconscious signals in my mind were flashing red and urging me to hide instead. I was feeling yucky about having shared openly again. Fuck that shit. Shut up, brain, you stupid old thing! Just pipe down, will ya! This is why you and I have trust issues.

Perhaps it’s the endorphines from the hour long brisk walk or perhaps it’s just the fact that I felt my feelings again without anaesthesia, who knows. And who cares. It’s quite interesting when I have these little realisations. And good that I did – tomorrow I’m doing a video’d call with a lady running a website centred on living alcohol free. Quite different to posting a link to my blog that probably no one will see, never mind click on via LinkedIn. Silly me.

And on that note, I guess I’d better have a little think about what I want to say. As you all know, there is nothing I love more than being the centre of attention, being caught on camera and have other people hear me talk. I also like to snuggle with tarantulas, they’re so cuddly and cute. Fuck me, I’m having palpitations already.

Today I’m not going to drink.


13 thoughts on “Cuddly and Cute

  1. “Here I am, the big, fat alkie – boo! Bite me.” So much about this post to love. Love you Anna. And I want a link to that video call when it’s done, if it goes public.

    Have fun with the tarantulas 😉😂😂😂

    No but seriously you will be awesome. And tarantulas are kind of cute after all.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is just great! And, as always, (despite me not being a drinker) I identified with every word. The feelings, the guilt, the shame is the same. The best thing though, is the PRIDE. I’m so proud of you, of how you work everything out in your head – the good and the bad – and how you translate it for us and for the world. What you say is real. It’s that honesty that shines through and helps anyone reading it feel less alone.

    You’ll totally fucking smash it, Anna. I hope something big comes of this! LY xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. 9,717 days and I’m still working on keeping the emotions in check. It’s much easier, the work, because I instinctively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me, but I still have to be vigilant… keep at it, it gets better as you go.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s