Let’s Call It a Tie, Shall We?

Ah!

…and that’s as far as I got this morning – just an “ah” – before the mechanic turned up to have a look at my car. As these things seem to go any time I’m involved, it’s already turning into a saga of one thing after the other – two mechanics down (each finding totally new problems) and tomorrow it goes to a third place for a full look-over. If it starts, that is. I love my car and would hate to have to trade it in for a younger model, but I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I get to it and with a longer drive to work it might just not work so well anymore with a car that almost always gets me from A to B.

Yesterday was my 15 months sober – yay! I don’t know what to say about this milestone except I’m in a really good place right now. Well, sobriety appears to be a bloody awesome place to be no matter the day, but right about now I’m fucking LOVING my life! I really am so fortunate and blessed – a wonderful home life with a husband to die for and my son and bonus sons, my health, my recovery, my friends and a job where I get to do something I really care about. Sorry for being such a smug cow, but… well, I am. I’m sure I could find things to whine about but even when I look for negatives they just don’t seem to stack up much, and even if they do they really aren’t much to worry about. Nothing that I can’t handle but here’s the thing – I can handle most crap life might throw my way because I’m sober now. It’s an absolute game changer. And there’s one thing I am yet to find anything negative about: sobriety. Seriously – zero, zip, zilch. Not that I spend much time looking for negatives, but you know what I mean. Right now is a good spot for me. Life sometimes sneaks in through a back door and I’m sure there’ll be new curve balls and challenges coming my way, but in this moment it’s clear skies and fairly turbulence free.

15 months on, I guess what I can say is that not drinking is just my normal. It doesn’t really occur to me anymore, it no longer feels strange or uncomfortable and whatever the situation may be that I find myself in I don’t really think about it in the same way. Of course this is good news, but I am also extremely mindful of how I am still equipped with the same devious brain I had along. That’s the very same brain that kept me prisoner to my addiction for most part of my adult life, so don’t for a moment think I’m sitting here telling you I have this sussed because I sure as hell don’t! The Beast will never die, it’ll never stop lurking around there in the shadows and the moment I stop being vigilant it’ll be ready to pounce and sink its claws into me – of this I have no doubt. I may have forced it into a cage but the cage has no lock – as someone once put it so perfectly – and I will never allow myself to forget that fact. That’s OK though, I’m cool with that. At 15 months I may not get into full battle gear each morning, but I keep my sword and shield close by in case I need them.

Work is good and shifts roll my way at a steady rate. I’m loving it. Even on days when I get a bit of vomit on me. Well, it was mostly water and I surprised myself by not being quite as squeamish as I thought I was. Most days are vomit free though and I continue to be inspired by the courage of every client who comes through those doors. No matter what happens next it’s a miracle every single time to me. How funny, in a way I wish I’d had Sober Anna of now to tell Drunk Anna of just over 15 months ago how that lowest, darkest point of my life was in actual fact my greatest moment. “I need help” were the best words I ever said even though they felt like shards of glass as I said them. 23 January 2018 was the day I began to turn my life around. Yes, my son is my greatest gift, but that day is a close second. Besides, I am only now a good mother because of it. Let’s call it a tie, shall we?

So there we are. 15 months and one day sober. Beast sitting pretty in (unlocked) cage. Bambino good. Hubby good. Health good. Work good. Anna good.

Best of all?

Today I’m not going to drink.

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