For anyone who knows me even a tiny bit, it won’t come a surprise when I say I am an emotional tornado. Everything I feel, I feel strongly and although sobriety has definitely balanced me out a bit (I’ve even been described as CALM in the past year which is fucking hilarious but absolutely delights me!), I do often feel stuff right from my core and out into my fingertips. Like navigating my own feelings wasn’t enough, I also soak up the mood and atmosphere around me like a sponge. I can be in THE best mood, then there’ll be the slightest twinge of yuckiness and I crash into the deepest doom. Or I can be feeling low and apprehensive and then walk into a cheery situation and immediately be lifted so high I feel delirious. Exhausting, much? Yeah.
So I’m in the process of closing an old chapter and beginning a new one. I chucked in a job that sucks the life out of me and decided it’s time to start living and do something productive with my time. Just over a week ago I walked along the high street and handed in my CV and a I’m-starting-over cover letter to a bunch of shops and cafes. I mean, the whole thing is a little bit terrifying but I felt so positive and fired up and felt in my heart that all will come good. A knot of dread did form in my chest a few times over the past week any time I allowed fear to join the party – shit, I’ve messed up here, what if I can’t get a job, and so on. I always bloody preach how anyone who wants to work can find SOMETHING quickly and make a living so long as you accept you can’t always be precious about stuff, so there was part of me that worried it might not be as easy as I thought.
Then two magical things happened. A couple of days later I received a letter through the post, handwritten in beautiful calligraphy on the sort of letter paper I used to buy sets of when I was around 12 years old and had pen pals. It was from a store owner and she thanked me for dropping in my CV. She isn’t looking for staff but wished me luck with my new chapter and finished off with “your enthusiasm will serve you well“. Stuff like this fills me with joy and further enforces my faith in humanity. The second magical thing isn’t all that magical – I did offer my services after all – but still filled me with renewed hope. The owner of a little organic cafe rang me yesterday and I’m heading over to see her this afternoon to see what hours they may be able to offer me if she thinks I’m the right person to serve coffee. In my head, I keep thinking I’ll bloody love that sort of thing and I think it’s also really cool to go into something with absolute transparency – how many times have I sat in interviews trying to make it sound like “oh yes, this is for the longhaul and in 10 years’ time I see myself heading up a department“. This is so much nicer – I’m keen to do this and know I’ll enjoy it, and it’s to bring in some cash when I pursue a new career. What a relief, eh.
So I feel really good and know I’m making the right decisions. Sober Me is quite good at that stuff, just like I’m sure most of us are better at calm and rational decisions when we’re not constantly numbed and poisoned by a liquid depressant. This is all really positive. And when I’m down there today I’m going to pop in to the other store and ask to see Jude, the talented calligrapher who sent me the lovely letter, and tell her that I’m going to keep that letter with other things I keep as memories because it was a lovely thing to receive. What I’m actually going to do is frame it because I was so inspired by it, but I won’t tell poor Jude that because she’ll think I’m bonkers. To Jude I’ll just say it was a nice gesture that didn’t go unnoticed. Paying it forward is a wonderful thing, but paying it back is good too. It’s also good to know I was right in thinking I can make it work even if it might take a while before I find the right place for me in the world. And, I think I’ll actually be quite good as a barista. Nothing better than finishing the day knowing you did a good job and took pride in what you did, whether it was to oversee a multi-million acquisition or serve someone a cup of coffee.
Who else chucked in their job without having the road mapped out? What was the deal? How did it go? Did you also swing between top-of-the-world empowered and shit-your-pants scared?
Today I’m not going to drink.