Shitty, Shitty Monday

Shitty, shitty, SHITTY Monday! Yep – it’s a thoroughly bad one and I’m utterly hating it. The positive side of me is trying to get my attention by pointing out that shitty Mondays are really rare, but I’m too caught up in this shit storm to take any notice. But that’s OK. As far as sobriety goes, it doesn’t make me want to drink and that’s all that really matters. I’m in my gym gear, as it happens, in order to head straight there from work. I’m sure lunges and box jumps will do my sudden bad mood lots of good. And tomorrow morning I’m meeting with the two guys at the recovery services so with any luck I can sail in to work afterwards and resign. Wouldn’t that be amazing? Nope, my job isn’t terrible or anything. In fact – and I’ve said this before – I work for super lovely people and there’s lots about this gig that’s awesome. But my heart is not in it, plus my first two years I was in active alcoholism and did such a shocking job I’ve never really been able to dig myself out. OK, that’s making excuses, I could have tidied the mess up several times over and it just hasn’t happened.

This part time easy job thing I actually went for as it was meant to bring in some money whilst I gave the writing a shot. As honest as my intentions were, I now see that it just gave me a bit of a breather and freed me up to drink with abandon. Well, I always drank with abandon but it’s easier to do so when you’re not under massive pressure. It’s amazing what you can make yourself believe when you’re in active addiction – I would have sworn on my son’s life that this job worked because it allowed me to pursue greater passions. I would have looked you straight in the eye and I would have known this in my heart to be true. I honestly believed it. It needs to go. It belongs in the past with my drinking. And even without all of that, it’s not for me and although I can’t actually answer accurately as to why I’ve made such a dog’s dinner of it perhaps some truth lies in how it was part of a life I no longer lead?

Who knows, but there we are – it’s a shitty Monday!

Today I’m not going to drink.

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