A Unicorn’s Cojones

Two months today! Two months of not drinking, two months of feeling like myself again, two months of inner peace and two months of boundless joy. Today I am celebrating a little milestone – in a line of endless such milestones I hope! – to mark how I on 23rd January 2018 allowed myself to break free from alcohol. It strikes me as incredible that I ever worried about what life would be like without booze but I think that’s the genius nature of the alcohol trap and one of its many ways of making us believe we can’t be without. Fucking rubbish, if you ask me.

When I got out of the shower this morning there was a card on the bed. The unicorn I trapped married had placed it there because he remembered and knew that this is something to celebrate. Fuckinell, this man is just amazing. I’ve checked and checked and checked but he isn’t covered in boils or turns into an ogre at first light of dawn. Honestly, I keep half expecting to discover he’s some sort of mirage just like I keep thinking sobriety just cannot be as good as this. What a pessimist I can be when joy and good fortune is sent my way and instead of turning my face to the sun I start to look for crap in the shadows. Why? Ridiculous, really.

I think one of the things that worried me when I quit drinking was how this might change things for Hubby the Unicorn. I worried he might miss drunken me, because in spite of all the shit that comes with alcohol, I am quite a lovable and fun drunk, plus I turn into a porn star. We’ve had LOADS of fun while on the juice, so many laughs and so much crazy shit happening. I’m not going to deny that for a second. It’s just that I think I thought that it was the booze that made it so and it wasn’t. We have fun and we do crazy shit because it’s us. As for the porn star, well – my husband is hotter than July so I doubt I’ll go frigid any time soon. But anyway, I did worry and I think Hubby the Hot Unicorn knew because sometimes I’ve asked him if he misses drunken me. I mean – just re-read that, will you! “If he misses drunken me”!!!!!!!!! If that’s not madness in itself I don’t know what is, but there you go, that’s what my brain serves up on occasion when I feel unsure.

And so my heart sang when I opened the card.

And so I knew with even more certainty that this is meant to be. Not just that Hubby the Hot Unicorn with the Perfect Legs is my world, but that my life was never meant to be lived in numbness from alcohol. What a man. What. A. Man. Oh, and I woke up enveloped in his long arms and delicious legs despite giving myself a fright by farting so loudly I woke us both up in the middle of the night. I woke with a start from the noise and vibration with Hubby the Hot Unicorn with the Perfect Legs and Flawless Arse giggling next to me. Five years in I’m not even mortified by that and he is equally strange as he went back to cuddling me even after that.

I must have eaten something that’s made me excessively gassy because this morning when hubby gleefully giggled again at my shock night time farting, I burned off another one (with the difference of this one being absolutely deliberate) and laughed happily at how loud it was despite going on for several seconds. Poor hubby did ask what’s wrong with me though. Still, not enough for him to escape to his own side of the bed – I say Hubby the Hot Unicorn with the Perfect Legs, Flawless Arse and Beautiful Eyes is the weirdo, not me. In fact, I think he wanted to shag me but I had pressed the snooze button too many times and had to get up. I mean, what sick son of a bitch would want to shag THAT?! He must REEEEEEALLY love me. I shall reward him by doing things to him later that would make my mother weep.

Conclusion: I am sober and I do extremely loud farts and life is very, very fucking good.

The women’s meeting yesterday was nice. Red came along and sparkled and I realised I’d missed her. Ivy and I grabbed a coffee and she is deep in her thoughts as always, but that glint in her eye is always there and her dirty laugh is never far away either. Willow chaired the meeting and although everything she talked about was stuff that made me think I was too busy thinking what an awesome chick she is to formulate any share-worthy feedback to what she spoke about. And as usual with me, things need to percolate a little and they now have. Willow mentioned how she emotionally felt irritable, discontent and something else I have now forgot but I think it was restless. I may have misunderstood but I think she was saying how alcohol calmed these three evils. Now, restless I can absolutely relate to whether I’m drinking or not. Irritable and discontent were however two of the bitches that came out to play when I put alcohol into my body. The thoughts haven’t brewed long enough for me to articulate them though, so I’ll have to get back to that one. Jet was there too and although I don’t know the girl I was SO happy to see her face (damn, should have told her – stupid) because her sobriety strikes me as fragile and I so badly want her to succeed. She briefly shared and again there were tears but FUCK ME that chick has got some serious cojones. If I go next week and she’s there I’m going to be the Giver of No Flying Fucks, stomp right up to her and give her a hug and tell her she rocks. (Watch me balk at the idea when push comes to shove though!).

Oh, another perfect message from a Higher Power delivered by my son as I was heading off to meet Ivy ahead of the meeting yesterday. I have not explained AA to him, I’ve merely framed it as a network for people who want to better themselves and that not drinking is part of that. I felt this was needed because 1) all these new friends he’s never heard of before – Red, Sparks, Ivy, Phoenix, Willow…. and, 2) me sneaking off quite often to meet with them and sometimes even telling him “I’m off to a meeting”. Now, bambino is a smart cookie so I’m pretty sure he’s worked it all out but even so. Our paths crossed in the hallway, me on my way to see Ivy and go to the women’s meeting and bambino coming home from school.

So you’re off to see one of your thingy-friends?” he asked.

What’s a thingy-friend?” I asked, a little bemused.

Well, you know, your thing.


I can tell it’s doing you good,” he then added and smiled at me in that way that makes my heart swell with joy.


Yeah, you must really like them.

I do.

And with that he nodded at me, then retreated to his boy cave and playing Fortnite on his Xbox.

Yeah, he knows and I wouldn’t be surprised if he knows it’s AA and what that is. Perhaps I should have The Conversation with him sooner than I expected. As things were I figured I’ll frame it this way for now and broach the A-word when he’s older. It’s funny how I still expect the news (although it’s debatable if it’s “news”) of me being an alcoholic and going to AA would be met with horror somehow. My son has only seen positive changes in me and his words about my thingy-friends and seeing them doing me good was his way to encourage changes he hopes will last. I know my bambino like I know the back on my hand. He is his mother’s son and that’s how I’d frame it back – I’ll bet he’d given it some thought as it’s a potentially very sensitive subject.

Yes. I am stupidly blessed. I am so grateful that I am sober and for all the people I have in my life, for the life I get to have and for everything in it.

Today I won’t pick up a drink.

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