It’s yet another hangover-free day but I am incredibly tired again. I suspect it’s hormone related right now as I’ll be coming on any minute and that probably also explains my mood. It’s not a bad one, necessarily, I just feel a bit MEH and the idea of going to an AA meeting this evening is in direct conflict with my desire to just curl up on the sofa and watch crime documentaries. I feel I should go though, plus told Sparks I would so I’ll just have to drag my tired ol’ ass there. It’s the women’s meeting in its rather magical location and I’m sure I’ll feel ever so virtuous once I’ve been so I’ll do my best to resist the urge to just be a couch potato as much as I really don’t feel like it.
Not sure what else to add today really. I am dutifully faking it until I make it and putting my heart into each suggestion. Sparks is showing quite a lot of patience with this somewhat hesitant protegé – I really am doing my best but it really does go against so much of what I feel is right for ME. It’s a little as though if you don’t follow AA and its philosophy to the letter you’re doomed and if you’re an alcoholic you are a pre-designed personality type with a list of traits that apparently we all display. Not saying this is what Sparks says (she doesn’t, as it happens) but my overall impression of this. Whilst I believe that everyone in the fellowship has one thing in common, i.e. the inability to stop if we have that one drink, the fellowship seems to be about how we are all similar in personality too. Bit like if you have, say, cancer, it also means you like the colour red and dislike carrots. I’m not liking that bit, it’s putting me off.
But hey ho, I shall persevere. I’ve got started on step one and will as with everything else AA related so far do it to the best of my ability and with an open heart. What I can say for now though is that my sobriety isn’t dependent on AA, it’s dependent on me and my desire to be sober. If I were to decide that self destruction and hurtling towards my untimely demise by hitting the bottle (or box, as it were) again, no amount of AA meetings, steps or phone calls would make a blind bit of difference. It has come from within me, I truly believe that, because in my view the only person you can help or change is yourself. To think I would be dependent on someone or something else to break this cycle of alcohol abuse is a thought I actually reject. Support and therapy, absolutely and I can 100% see AA’s usefulness there. It’s helped enormously to listen to other alcoholics share their experiences both of drinking and sobriety. And if it’s good and it keeps being good and helps me stay on track, I don’t have any reason not to go.
Once again though, bottom line it is my choice not to drink. My choice to strive for a life of sobriety. And it’s me who says (because I want to and believe it’s what I need): today I’m not going to drink.